InsaneJournal

(017) Thursday, 22 April 1980
[Warded private]

Ten years tomorrow. Almost half my life. As I wrote to Father, it seems both much longer and yet only yesterday, at once. I still miss her, though not the same way as I did at first, of course, but still. Music on the WWN still reminds me of her, of how she always had it on and used to hum along. I can't remember her voice anymore though, and that upset me so much when I first realised. Her memory is slowly fading away, despite how much I wish it didn't. All these deaths we hear about far too often in this war, it always remind me of it. Of mourning, of how it lasts and lasts and sometime you wish it would just stop and fade away and get easier and at other times you'd give everything to bring back a vivid memory. This country will be in mourning for so long.

It's also ten years of feud with my father. It'll be the first time I go to the cemetary with him tomorrow and I'm not sure how I feel about that. She'd be glad that we're mending things up, he and I, but it's hard. There are still things unsaid, still things that will need to be brought up eventually. I don't know when; when we're not walking on eggs around each other, maybe.

I shouldn't wait. He said he was in danger, after Dorcas' death. Maybe I won't have the luxury of waiting. I don't like thinking of it, of how he could disappear right when we're slowly getting over ten years of estrangement. Of how we're in danger too, because of it, Amalie and I. She's still so upset with him about it. It's strange that she reacted stronger than I did, but I think this fear that it could be too late soon keeps me from pushing him away again. I wish she could see it, but I'm hardly in a place to give her lessons.

Do you want us to meet first tomorrow before heading to the house to join him?

Should I bring anything tomorrow?

I'm taking tomorrow off for family matters and won't be able to join you for our morning run either. I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier; I wanted to tell you today but my last appointment ended up running much longer than I thought and you were already gone by the time I got back. I already cleared my schedule so there's no appointment to cancel or reschedule, don't worry.

Someday things won't be awkward with her anymore. Someday.